Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Pomp & Circumstance

(This exchange occurred as I was effortlessly plowing through Jeopardy answers last night. Like some of you, I'm the guy who yells answers from the other room while barely paying attention, despite the silent-yet-palpable frustration of those sitting in front of the TV trying hard. )

Heather: Whenever we watch this I always think of how much you learned in high school. Because there's no way you learned all this in college.

Me: [giggle]

Heather: What did you learn in college?

Me: I learned about life.

I learned that drinking beer in the shower while getting ready to go out is the definition of liberty.

I learned no matter how many different ways you tell your buddy how terrible his girlfriend is, he has to find out for himself.

I learned that sticking with your crazy HS girlfriend while she's 3,000 miles away will ruin your first 2 years of college.

I learned that this is one of many acceptable excuses for why you stayed 7 years.

I learned that passing out onstage at the end of a show is a good way to get a speaker dropped on your head.

I learned that any discernible leadership skills you may have can be completely useless if you act like a dick.

I learned that if you happen to be involved in an ongoing investigation with the Tempe Police Department in which they try to bait you into incriminating your friend who didn't really break the law that badly, you can easily outsmart them at any turn by casually watching police dramas. For example, if you've already seen tactics like "send the hot female detective by herself" and "send the two biggest officers we have to try to intimidate the guy we're questioning" on TV, then you're one step ahead of TPD when they try it in real life. This also makes for a A+ final project in your Criminal Justice class.

I learned that frat guys are easier to outsmart than Tempe Police Officers.

I learned that when you throw a keg party and call it a "lacrosse fundraiser," karma will make sure that the ensuing police fines will often equal your exact take at the door.

I learned that if you're in a band, you don't need to go to the gym.

I learned that if your buddy cries hysterically at 3am about his broken family life after a night of drinking, that's not the last time that's going to happen.

I learned this very valuable lesson: If a girl walks into a party and is immediately dubbed "Hot Girl," the chances of her moniker changing to "Stupid" by the end of the night are strong.

I learned you can't make girls who aren't from Boston care about the Red Sox or the Patriots.

I learned that the bowl of flour sitting on top of your TV that says "Who's Next?" might refer to you.

I learned that if the candle in your homemade Rally Pumpkin burns out just as Grady Little walks to the mound, you should leave the bar (which I did, thankfully).

I learned how to spot fake boobs faster than I can identify gender.

I learned that a non-nude strip club with $0.25 beers is just as incredible as it sounds.

I learned that you can't sneak up on Vegas. You have to go in guns blazing. Don't be so naive to think that it doesn't know you're coming.

I learned that an unclaimed thong left at a party is either getting pinned to the wall or, if red, placed atop your Christmas tree.

I learned that a bar in Arizona filled with 400 exhausted and emotional Red Sox fans during their first World Series title in 86 years will begin chanting DUN-KIN DO-NUTS when they run out of players' names.

I learned that game has no camouflage. You can in fact wear sweatpants, a lotto t-shirt, and work boots to a bar and get laid.

I learned that snuggle time will always be ruined if your roommate hits his girlfriend in the head with an airborne pint glass, which ricochets and leaves a dent in the wall. You also have to pay for the dent.

I learned that a stranger who wakes up in a puddle of urine on your living room floor and can't find his pants, then heads up a 2-hour, 10-man search party that covers the entire house, yard, street and block probably should have looked in the microwave first.

I learned that microwaves can dry off wet pants.

I learned that if you yell "you don't have to do this if you don't want to" while you're hazing someone, then it's not hazing.

I learned that you will need to go to registrar's office no less than 3 times to accomplish something as simple as getting an email address.

I learned that more often than not, dressing like an idiot is the way to go.

I learned that any time you can sell a '93 Camry with no A/C and power steering that sounds like a garbage truck to three Swedish golfers who don't know what a spare tire is, for $3500, you make the deal.

I learned Bud Light + Taco Bell + liquid Nyquil = disaster in like 9 different ways.

And most importantly, I learned that it's perfectly plausible, if not likely, for your roommate to become a stripper, go on spring break in Cancun, end up on an MTV reality show, the footage for which then ends up in a documentary about out-of-control youth... which you end up watching in your Sociology class.

That's what I learned in college.